Haley’s 1997 Birth Announcement

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[I ran across something interesting on my hard drive today. In ’95 or ’96 Guy Kawasaki sent me the press release on his son Nick’s birth. I thought that was pretty cool, so when Haley was born in ’97, I issued this press release…]

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

FRIENDLY TAKEOVER OF DECKER HOUSEHOLD
Haley Decker Appointed New CEO

SCOTTS VALLEY, CA, JUNE xx, 1997 — The Decker Household announced today the arrival of its new CEO, Haley Makenna Decker. A 9-month veteran in fast-growth environments, Haley took control of the family startup on June xx at 6:04 pm PT.

In a management shakeup, the 8 lb. 6.5 oz tycoon appointed Shannon Decker to report directly to her as President of The Household. Shannon’s promotion came after negotiations between the two which started Thursday and ended Sunday night in an hour of hard labor dispute. Sam Decker, who had been peers with Shannon prior to the takeover, maintains a day job while working nights as assistant to Shannon and Haley. Cody Decker, a tail-wagging licking specialist, retains his current full-time position at The Decker Household.

Haley had been positioning for the takeover since September 19, 1996, or September 21, 1996 — analysts and employees can not confirm the date. Authorities report Sam leaked valuable inside information which led to the takeover. Shannon later reported Haley had an “inside” track to the position ever since.

The new CEO is expected to work round the clock. Her duties will consist of sleeping, eating 8 meals a day, and making at least that many daily deposits into a plastic, high-absorbent envelope. Shannon and Sam, in their new roles, will act quickly on directions from their boss to achieve her desired rapid growth. On the day of her arrival, the CEO wasted no time crying out instructions to her new staff, and even making a small deposit.

Haley Decker commented with a coo followed by thumb sucking — evidence that she has big plans for growth. The hard-working CEO hopes to crawl, eat solid foods, and hold her head up by herself within only a few months. Shannon, the new President of The Household, states, “It will be hard work adapting to the bosses’ work schedule, but everyone is happy she’s here.” Even Cody, the 4-legged floor cleaner, is expected to “kiss up” to the new boss with tail wags and a few firm licks.

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